First Post of the New Decade

Well, isn't this special? I know it's been a while since I posted, but sometimes life tosses you a curveball to the chin that takes time to recover from. I was debating around new years to either go out and get laid or make a retrospective of the decade; you can see which consideration won out. So, earnestly, rather than making a retrospective of the decade, which I think is both glib for me to do and besides, was done much funnier than I can do on wonkette, I'll instead just make 21 (22) crazy predictions about what I think we'll see for this next decade.

#1. In a bizare twist, Sarah Palin will admit Trig was fathered by Tiger Woods thus causing him to become chaste; oh and she'll sue him for money, Sarah knows who's got deep pockets.

#2. Rush Limbaugh will FINALLY die of fatness, loneliness, being a shut-in for years and hatred for all others except Oxycontin and his own bank account. Oh, and he'll die consuming an entire vat of donut mix lard when no other food source seemed available.

#3. President Obama will be re-elected in 2012. Why do I say this when I'm not even really an Obama supporter? Because I've looked into my crystal balls and have seen the GOP field: cro-mangnons, a snow-billy grifter, a moustache and a human hairball. Rudy Guiliani will pursue his dream of being named "Queen of drag" and thus will lose his comical spot in the GOP as Dick Cheney's cackling creature on his shoulder, ala Jabba the Hut.

#4. Dick Cheney will die and I, your beloved blogger will take time out from my busy schedule to go and piss on his grave...oh and dance a jig, also.

#5. The Boomers will leave the stage of power. That's right, the "Me" generation, the ones who brought us Reagan, Bush, and the "Republican revolution of 1994" all because they liked the idea of Jesus in school and extra hush money for their mistresses will retire. America will the rejoice.

#6. Just to piss off every wingnut Robert Byrd will survive yet ANOTHER decade and remain in the Senate. That one's a bit more cloudy but it will be funny.

#7. The GOP, after making far fewer gains in 2010 than expected will fire Michael Steele. Not knowing what else to do with himself, he'll see an oppurtunity: graft a wig to his bald head and become Don King's long lost son.

#8. As the US economy lurches from one economic upheaval to another, in an amazing mea culpa all the followers of Milton Friedman and "Chicago-school economics" will admit they were wrong all along and commit suicide. America will rejoice.

#9. Sarah Palin, being ever the oppurtunist will take her failed 2012 Presidential bid and marry Newt Gingrich thus becoming the traditional morality hawk's 67th wife. In a related story, gays will finally be allowed to marry when all straight people admit traditional marraige was an institution that we already ruined long ago and thus required no more "defending" (discrimination in other words).

#10. The Governator will switch parties and become a Democrat. Why? Upon hearing of Sarah Palin's nomination as the GOP candidate for President he'll admit that although the GOP has become JUST nazi enough to make him happy, even he can't stand how stupid and crazy she is (although he will grope her first).

#11. Mitt Romney in a surprising revenge move will release a study that shows every tea baggin' Palin supporter posseses a family tree that doesn't fork and that they're all related. Mormon's do love Genealogy.

#12. In an even more surprising move, the South will secede and this time the US will realize it's past mistake and wish them the best of luck. The new Southern nation will be a theocracy named "Falwelia" in rememberance for their continental-sized, segregation supporting bigoted hero. The new nation will last for exactly six months, which is how long the citizenry will take to realize they're too stupid to feed themselves, and beg to return to the Union.

#13. I'll retire my blog.

#14. The Democratic Party now free from Boomer corporatists (see #5) will nominate someone who finally tells the truth when they say the word "change". No more Reaganomics masquerading as "change", no more setting people up with a platform of "universal healthcare" and then saying "it wasn't what we wished for....but". Finally, for the first time since FDR some realistic, principled leadership.

#15. Joe Liebermann will be cannon-fired out of Connecticut and land in Alabama where he'll run for Senate. Good job trying to convince your southern Republican friends to support "that jew".

#16. All redundant lists making pointless predictions about future events will cease to be made.

#17. Paris Hilton will release yet another porno tape, this one involving John McCain. In related news and not to be outdone, disgraced former senator (he lost to Stormy Daniels, an actual porn star) David Vitter will also release a porno of himself being beaten while dressed as a baby, thus beginning his own nauseating "diaper porn" career.

#18. "Dubya" will admit his whole Texas accent rancher thingy was just bullshit to fool the wingnuts. He'll speak with an accent reminiscent of his blue blooded roots from now on and no one will care.

#19. Fox News will go bankrupt and since it was headed there anyway, Rupert Murdoch will change the "news format" and become the 24 hour feces network. People will get to watch Sean Hannity, O'rally, Ailes and Beckerhead take shits 24/7 in 3-D. Viewers will comment that the new network format is both more honest and of more substance than the old GOP talking points repository Fox was before.

#20. The "2012" Mayan Calender hoax will be exposed when an enterprising anthropoligist digs up the remains of the calender maker...a stoned and lazy Mayan named "Auggie" who quit making the calenders because in Mayan, it was "too hard and stuff".

#21. And finally, another attempted bomber, learning the error of the underpants bomber will instead wear a bra onto a plane. When her attempted attack fails, the fear-based society of the United States will demand that all bra's be searched as well. Your beloved blogger will quit his job as a famous attorney and go work as a screener at LAX for the "fringe benefits".

The End.


Oh and as a post-script, I just saw the picture of Megan McCain's glorious melons. So, I'll make this number 22: needing attention after her daily beast column fails Ms. McCain will bear her enormous sweater puppies live and most importantly uncensored at the 2012 RNC. Republican males, unable to handle the sight of such humongous and womanly boobs will run into the bathrooms to hide. The only sound heard will be a single toe tapping.